I am a Marvel Zombie.
Not one of the flesh-craving heroes that have been published by the company since the zombie revival– no pun intended– was big.
But I am a huge fan of the Marvel universe. Now, I admit, I haven’t been reading much in the past few years. It was on a steady decline for me after Civil War and once Marvel Divas hit, I pretty much gave up entirely (seriously, Marvel? A Sex and the City homage a year after the movie came out and five years after it was actually culturally relevant?)
Despite my current estrangement from the comics, I do try to keep up with Marvel in other media. I quite enjoy the cinematic universe, which I feel distils many of the good ideas from the various incarnations into one interconnected story.
But you guys are pushing it now.
This is the second week of Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. And there are only a few tenuous strands keeping me interesting.
Let’s just put it on front street: Samuel L Jackson’s cameo bumped this episode up a full point for me. I was bitching to myself about the incredulity of the solution when suddenly, Nick Fury was there and I shut the hell up. He was absolutely magical, bitching out Coulson for messing up his plane a mere week after receiving it.
Fury wants to know what the hell kind of crapass team Coulson has assembled.
This episode– 0-8-4— is about teamwork. The team has only been together a week and they need to work together. It’s a bonding exercise.
God, I’m bored already.
Skye and Ward are albatrosses around this show. Seriously, the most I care about these two is that I would like to see horrible things happen to them. There is nothing compelling about them. If Ward says “I work alone” one more time, I’ll scream. I want him to work alone, far away from this show.
And please tell me, why is it so important that they have a hacker on the show? Between FitzSimmons, I’m pretty sure they could handle anything technical that Skye can do. But she’s idealistic and quippy, therefore she’s important… Yawn.
While Ward and Fitz were getting into a dick measuring contest, Skye proclaimed that considering they’ve only been together a week, she’s just as qualified to captain the team. I wish I could say she was joking, but she made it pretty clear there was truth to her statement.
Yeah, Skye… FUCK YOU. First of all, Coulson, the guy you were, you know, talking to, heads the team up. Second of all, you’re not actually a member of S.H.I.E.L.D! FitzSimmons may not be field ready, but at least they have doctorates up the wazoo as opposed to your anarchist ass. Ward may bore the crap out of me, but he is somewhat capable.
And then there’s Melinda May. Oh, Melinda May. You are the one thing that is keeping me interested in this show. She’s pretty flawless. She’s got this wonderful resigned irritation at the situation she’s in, but she handles herself.
Can I just say that the whole point “we’ve all got to come up with part of the solution” was completely undermined by the fact that they have Melinda handle like 90% of the plan? And her parts of the plan were the ones that actually made sense?
By season two, the show will be called Melinda May: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. I look forward to it.
FitzSimmons can stay on the team, because in terms of non-field ready scientists, they’re fine. I like the science twins for what they are.
But yeah… Lock Ward and Skye in that van she’s so proud of and roll it down a hill or something.
Ward, showing that his penis is in utter control of his metal faculties, decides after the mission is over that Skye could be a decent field agent. May points out that she’ll need a mentor and Ward decides to take up the challenge.
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Other than ‘team work will set us free’ the episode revolved around the eponymous O-8-4, which is an object of unknown origin and purpose. Coulson mentions that the last one S.H.I.E.L.D. came across was Thor’s hammer, Mjölnir.
The device is a reference to Captain America, made by HYDRA scientists who fled to South America with…. You know, it doesn’t matter. It’s a MacGuffin plain and simple. It’s bad and S.H.I.E.L.D. wants to get it. They’re going to go into Peru and get it.
You know, it’s a good thing the Marvel Cinematic Universe removes “Espionage” from the S.H.I.E.LD. acronym, considering they drive right to the location of the 0-8-4 with the S.H.I.E.L.D. logo on the side of the cars.
They investigate the object briefly where it was found, throwing out some useless information about it. Seriously, it’s useless because they suggest it was put there 1,500 years ago. But then it turns out it was built by HYDRA in the forties. Okay, so did they just run out of lines that they needed some filler?
The team runs across a Peruvian military unit headed by Camilla Reyes, a former associate of Coulson’s (yeah, the totally banged). They’re attacked by rebels and have to grab the 0-8-4 and escape on the plane.
Of course, Reyes betrays Coulson. She wants the 0-8-4 for herself so she can take over the government and quash the rebels.
You’re… Kidding me. Right show? You give me this lily-white team (save for the perfect Melinda May) and you have in the first week the bad guy be a black, unemployed single father… And the next week you have a South American wannabe military dictator?
I know I said the same thing about Skye before, but I mean it more now: FUCK YOU, SHOW.
It doesn’t count as ‘diversity’ if the people of colour you have on the show are always the bad guys who get thrown into detainment by the end.
But in the end, the team bands together. They let Melinda May awesome all over the place, a hole gets blown into the plane, people get blown out and then… It gets covered with a life raft.
Wait… What?
Am I to believe that a hull breach in a plane can be seal– to the point where people are leaning against it— by an inflatable piece of plastic.
In what universe is that plastic not flexible enough to just be sucked right out? How is the pressure not just crumpling it like the first draft of this script?
Silly me. Like there was more than one draft written.
But by the end, the team has bonded, the plane is safely landed and the 0-8-4 is going to be blasted into the sun.
So something that is potentially unstable and one of the most powerful things in the universe… You’re just going to blast it into the sun? How could they possibly know that’s the safest way to get rid of it? Couldn’t the sheer power cause the sun to supernova? Seriously, why is that not a possibility? Explain it to me, please?
And how can you be sure it’ll actually stay on course for the 149,600,000 kilometres to actually reach the sun? That rocket is going to end up hitting some sort of meteor and creating some sort of cosmic radiation that infects an impatient scientist and his three friends. And just what will we have then?
Something that’s still owned by Fox Studios, that’s what.
